Isn’t it interesting how everybody seems to have an opinion on the type of man you should be dating to marry? They have all these characteristics and features as if they’ll be going into the marriage with you, but they won’t. It’s bizarre! People swear they know who’s good for you, but they don’t. Only you can truly know who fits into the vision you have for your future.

Please, date men who are good for you. Not good for your mum or your dad, not good for your cousins, friends, neighbors, colleagues, but good for you! Good for your present, good for your future, good for your faith and good for your children.

Let me tell you something, a lot of people who have opinions on who you should be with only care about the wedding, not the marriage. My mum always had an opinion on who I should be dating. It was always a friend’s son or someone I grew up with because “he’s also black, we share the same values, understand the same language, eat the same food, etc.” None of that really mattered to me because at the end of the day, those boys lacked the characteristics and morals required to be with me. ⠀

I have a friend who’s dating an Iranian man. They’ve been together since we were in A-levels. Her parents have refused to acknowledge that relationship because he’s not a black man from her country. I think it’s so weird because everybody her mum has tried to connect her with has been garbage. One of the black men from her country that she was talking to took her on a date, met her parents, then got married to the woman he told my friend was just a coursemate a few weeks after that. Her Iranian boyfriend was the nicest man I had known, before my husband. Treats her with love, respect, has a PhD and a good job, just an all-round swell guy. But her parents have refused to acknowledge that relationship just because he’s not a black man. ⠀

At the end of the day, if you marry someone just to please people other than yourself and you have this fantastic wedding, who’re you going to call at 11pm in 6months when he doesn’t come home? Will the people who forced you to marry the wrong person be there when he’s putting his hands on you? Will they open their doors when he kicks you out of your home? Will they help you out financially when he locks you out of the accounts? Please, choose wisely. Marriage is a commitment among man, wife and God. Legally, it is a commitment between 2 people. It’ll be foolish to consider people who have nothing to lose, especially when it goes against what you believe in. ⠀

Date to marry a man who is kind, God-fearing, loves you, loves your family, respects you, can provide for you, will protect you and will help you become a better person. It doesn’t matter what color his skin is or what country he’s from. You’re attracted to what you’re attracted to, it is what it is. 🤷🏽‍♀️

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41 Comments

  1. Those points are very poignant. I’ve always done what was “culturally” acceptable and have been ABSOLUTLEY miserable. I’ve now thrown it all out the window and dating whomever I chose to. I’m now dating to get a more broader view of different cultures, and finding the person that is best for ME! Thanks for sharing your perspective! Blessings always.

    1. Hi Sha, thank you so much for stopping by and reading this. And yes, I too have been miserable from listening to other people’s opinions and dating criteria. I have learned to look deeper and find characteristics that transcend race, culture and even age. Expanding your horizon and picking people who are in line with your vision will serve you well. Lots of love!

    1. Hi Michelle, I’m sorry about your grandmother but happy that you have the opportunity to not make the same mistake. You’re always welcome and God bless you too, my darling! Lots of love!

  2. This has to be drummed into the ears of ladies .In my country for example tribalism is so rife and people will choose partners over stereotypes of a certain tribe.I hope we find wisdom.Thanks Blair

    1. Hi Sheilla, thank you for being here. And I totally understand what you’re saying about tribalism. Marry a good man and as long as both of you have understanding, none of those things should matter. You’re most welcome. Lots of love.

  3. I have faith that God will bless me with an amazing man but sometimes it’s hard to deal with the naysayers. I often hear that I’m setting my standards too high and the chance that I will meet a high quality man who is well off and a provider and will love me when they probably have hundreds of models running after them is low. I try to ignore it but sometimes it’s overwhelming:( How do I deal with this and do you have any tips of how I can increase my chances of meeting Mr. Right (especially in these times)? Thank you 💕

    1. Hi Jules, thank you for being here. Don’t listen to naysayers. If you compromise your standards just to have more options, you’re only cheating yourself and you will be miserable because you settled. Is it going to be easy? Absolutely not. Good men don’t grow on trees and they’re not that easy to find but they do exist. Stay true to yourself and your values because at the end of the day, this is your life. As far as tips, I’d love to know more about your dating criteria. Lots of love!

  4. thank you for this SO much! i think it’s quite easy to get caught up in expectations, especially if they’re coming from your loved ones, but in those moments it’s important to remember – being true to YOURSELF is the key to happiness. i’ve never been shy to admit that i’m not particularly attracted to the mentality of men from my country/origin, and that’s completely okay! each one of us is wonderfully made in His image and the things we’re attracted to are a part of that! again, thank you and i can’t wait to see more content on you blog. God bless ❤

  5. Thank you for reinforcing this concept. In recent years I have preferred to meet foreign men lately because the treatment of women is different. As you suggest handling the issue of distance, you have a rule of who should travel first and when? How often should I make video call? Thanks in advance, I love your way of think and how you share your knowledge of this topic.

    1. Hi Charry, thank you for being here. In the past, the men have traveled to me first. And when I travel to them, they take care of the expenses. You should have video calls as often as you’re comfortable with. Both of you can talk about that. I wish you the best. Lots of love!

    2. Hypergamy Her just has a way with her words and timing! Thank you for this lovely read. I needed to hear this especially coming from an African family where pretty much the parents are always having a say on who you should be with but at the end of the day, we are here for a short time, do what makes YOU happy regardless of what everyone has to say. Choose your happiness over everyone else’s first.

  6. Thank you for this post, and all that you post. Your page has been my to go to among other reads for personal development.

  7. I’ve been on the other side; I met a gorgeous Armenian man, we had a fabulous relationship for almost a year, when we both wished things will keep moving forward he confessed to me that he had enjoyed to have me in his life. However, marriage would never happen because his parents still expect him to marry a woman with Armenian blood, and I’m Mexican. Among other aspects, he will inherit the business as not only for being the youngest child but the only man, as his sisters adopted their American husband’s last names.

    1. Hi Laura, thank you for being here. This was beautiful to read but I’m so sorry things had to end between you two. I sincerely dislike it when culture and traditions get in the way of true love. I wish you the best and hope you find someone better. Lots of love!

  8. Hello, thank you for this amazing post! You are such a blessing! I have strict parents and they keep drumming it into my ears who THEY think I should be dating/marrying. I have already learnt so much from you and I look forward to learning a lot more. If it’s okay, I would like to know your thoughts on bringing up heavy topics (kids, religion, politics, etc.) when vetting men. Should it be discussed before ever agreeing to go on a date or while being on the first date? I truly appreciate all of your advice/knowledge, because for me I struggle with vetting men.

    1. Hi Amanda, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for your kind words, they really put a smile on my face. As far as those topics, I say stay away from them for the first few dates, except kids. It is ok to ask if he has kids before you meet or on the first date. Avoid asking if he wants kids for a while. You want to get to know them and their personality first before getting down to business. These things should flow naturally, you don’t want it to sound like an interview. I try to work them into the conversation randomly. Hope this helps. Lots of love!

  9. Amazingly put together! Loved it. Please put up more such blogs because I honestly wait everyday for your posts and stories 😊 May god bless you. Xoxo.

  10. I agree with the post, at the end of the day you live life for you. Also, When will your book be available ? Love your IG page & blog. Keep up the good work 👍🏾✨

  11. Thank you SO much for your time and expertise! Please continue to advertise the site because this is my first time on here 😍💕. Also, you look beautiful. Please feel free to answer this as best as you can, even if it’s a short answer. You’ve answered my dm before too so thank you! I’m African American and tend to date men from different cultures. As u know, they are usually the ones so involved with their families thoughts and opinions. I’m starting fresh, how do you suggest I move forward as a black American woman when dealing with a foreign man without being pushy? And how do I move forward with building an entire life together? My ex’s family got involved and that helped end my last relationship (there are quite a few examples of this on 90 day fiancé) 😞

    1. Hi my love, thank you for being here and for the kind words. I’m a black woman who is married to a white man that’s foreign to me. I say be open-minded. Listen, ask questions and don’t think too much of it because at the end of the day, he’s a human being like you. You can ask what him what his views are on certain things, to help you understand the cultural differences, if any. Remember, you’re a woman dating a man. It shouldn’t be complicated. Lots of love!

  12. Love the website and so grateful for your posts! As I’ve told many times and will continue doing so, thank you from @paradoxfemme💕

  13. Love the website and so grateful for your posts! As I’ve told you many times and will continue doing so, thank you from @paradoxfemme💕

  14. Thank you so much for this, thankfully my parents are not like that, they’ve only ever had one requirement and that is God -fearing thank you for this lovely perspective. Marriage is a life-long commitment and a decision not to be taken lightly.

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